


tell me how to breathe in (and feel no hurt)

by calrissianns



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Peter Parker, Canon-Typical Violence, Denial, Fighting, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Rated T for language and innuendo, Spideypool - Freeform, canon-typical sarcasm, dopinder becomes a stripper, not mcu peter cause we ain’t doin pedophilia, peter b. parker (spiderverse), rom com type thing, somewhat fake dating au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-05-12 16:19:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19232689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calrissianns/pseuds/calrissianns
Summary: A Gala in one's honor may seem very exciting to some, but for Peter, all it does is enhance his pre-existing feelings of loneliness. Without a wife or another date in sight, he does the only thing he knows how: he asks his friend Wade Wilson for help.Too bad they haven't talked in a year.(In which two estranged friends pretend to be dates, only for old grievances and new feelings to reach the surface)





	1. Wait a Minute!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my second multi-chapter and I'm super super excited for this! This is based off of Spiderverse and the Deadpool movie-verse. 
> 
> I would like to thank my friend @thejollymilano for encouraging me in my writing, and in my life in general. I couldn't do this without you, and I love you 3000.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "some things are bound to be  
> some things, they hurt  
> and they tear apart me"
> 
> Peter feels as if his day could not get any worse. That's when he finds out about the whole date thing.

When Peter B. Parker learns that he is having another gala in his honor, he's not thrilled. Maybe he's an ungrateful piece of shit, but after a while, they're not fun.

 

He first had one in his first year of college, and back then, he was young and bright and ready for life. And now, he is,  _ not _ . 

 

He hopes Miles is getting one in his honor. The kid deserves it more than anyone. 

 

As he lays down on his couch (after a desperate and horrible five-minute departure), he remembers the worst thing about these Galas, being that he has to have a date. In a perfect world, he and Mary Jane would've been back together.

 

It's not a perfect world.

 

When he showed up at MJ's house that day, things did not work out as he had wished. She opened the door, pleased to see him, but he had soon seen the man behind him, along with a little boy.

 

He was too late. 

 

Of course, Mary Jane still calls him, every day. She's an amazing friend, and having her in his life is great. But he can't erase his feelings about her. 

 

He thinks about Bleach Blonde, who was happily married. 

 

Maybe Peter has to die to maintain a healthy marriage. Just kidding. Maybe. 

 

His phone chirps, rather loudly, something he doesn't appreciate as he almost jumps off of the couch every time. You'd think spidey senses would alert you on startling notifications, as he considers them just as villainous as the Green Goblin. 

 

_ hey! Just heard that you're having another Gala. Congrats! :) wish I could be there to be your platonic date but I have a conference with Todd. Also u know the press, they're crazy. Hope you find a good one :) Love, MJ. _

 

She still signs her texts with MJ. It's always been so cute to him. He would always tell her she doesn't have to do it, he knows it's her. She would always tell him it feels more personal.

 

Fuck, he misses her. 

 

He takes out the remote and turns on the news. He needs something boring and annoying, something he can go to sleep to. 

 

And then that's when he hears it.

 

"Four men appear to have been stabbed multiple times inside the local McDonalds..." He opens one eye. 

 

Is it...? 

 

Well whether it's a criminal or his old friend, he might as well check it out. 


	2. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "all I need from your side is for you to communicate  
> respect for my time, respect for my space, respect for my energy" 
> 
>  
> 
> Wade, of course, doesn't expect Peter to show up at all, much less for him to show up with this batshit offer. But why does he ever expect anything from Peter?

Wade Wilson has had a bad day even before Peter Parker showed back up in his life. 

 

It's been two months since Vanessa's death. Two months since he last held her and kissed her and made love to her. Two months since he lost hope of a family with her. 

 

Things are getting better, gradually, at least. He spends more time with the X-Force (though every day he takes a flower to Sugar Bear Peter's grave), but it's still hard. 

 

To top it off, Colossus let him down easily. That nice bastard. 

 

His work ends with him killing a few anti-mutant bastards at McDonald's, Yukio beside him. She's awfully pleasant and buys him ice cream after (as he's incredibly broke). But then, of course, she goes back. 

 

He hasn't moved in there yet, he doesn't want to yet. His apartment with Vanessa is something he still loves, and he doesn't know if he can lose it. 

 

So when Peter B. Parker arrives at Wade's apartment, he begins to think about moving. 

 

He hasn't seen Peter in forever, but he still keeps up with him. It's not anything personal, obviously. Peter is Spider-Man. Why wouldn't he?

 

But of course, keeping up with a Kardashian is better than spending time with one. He’s heard that Kim is a real bitch.

 

When he hears a knock on the door, he assumes it’s Colossus, reprimanding him about killing those people. He always reminds Wade that it’s better not to kill when he can avoid it.

 

But these motherfuckers were pedophiles, about to go after a little girl in the bathroom. And if Wade hates anyone (and he hates a lot of people) he hates pedophiles.

 

But this time, it’s not Colossus. Because when he opens the door, his ex-friend stands there, with uneven growing facial hair, a definite beer belly, and baggy eyes.

 

He does  _ not _ look good. “Petey,” Wade says. “You don’t look a day over hit by a bus.”

 

Peter doesn’t answer this. Of course he doesn’t. Wade can’t help but feel a bit irritated, especially at the fact that Peter was the one who caused their silence in the first place.

 

“Wade, hey.” His voice is tired, worn down. He almost wants to ask what’s going on, to comfort him, but he doesn’t. 

 

“Hello.” Even Wade; who’s never short of things to say, doesn’t have anything. 

 

“Where’s Vanessa?” Peter asks, and Wade almost feels like he’s been stabbed in the chest. Ouch. Peter really doesn’t know.

 

“Uh, visiting a friend in New Jersey,” he fibs. He’s exceptionally good at lying, something Colossus would say is “Not a virtue, but rather a vice” or some wise moral shit, but he doesn’t want to burden the Spider-man with his sob story. 

 

“Oh.” Peter sits down. “I heard about the four people dead in McDonald's.” 

 

“Which ones? The ones that got E-coli from the fucking lettuce?” He really doesn’t want to talk to Peter about the people he killed, as Peter would always have that disapproving glance.

 

“Ha Ha. I’m talking about the ones you stabbed to death.” 

 

“Oh, those guys. Yeah, what about them?” Wade asks. The more irritating he is, maybe he can get Peter out. Hopefully.

 

“I was just wondering if that was you, it seems I was right.” He smiles smugly, and Wade wants to slap him.

 

“Ok. So? They were pedophiles, about to assault a little girl. I had to take them out.” 

 

“I didn’t say anything.” Peter reclines back in the chair. "I just said that I thought it was you."

 

"Why are you here, Peter?" Wade asks. "I thought that you said it would be better if we...didn't talk."

 

"Well, I had an interdimensional encounter with a new friend of mine, who told me that I had to go home, and pick up my life, and make some reconciliations." 

 

"Interdimensional?" Wade asks. 

 

"Tell you about it later." Peter shrugs. "And I mean...I kind of need a favor." There it is, Wade thinks. Of course, Peter wouldn't come over for any other reason, no, because Wade is too reckless and irresponsible and not worthy of Spiderman’s heroism. 

 

"Oh fuck." Peter rolls his eyes at Wade.

 

"So I have another dumb Gala coming up and... I need a date." 

 

Wade spits. "Okay, fuck you."

 

"Hmm?"

 

Wade begins to laugh, and he can't stop. "You know, you do play hard to get Peter. Ignore me for a year and then ask me to be your date."

 

Peter glares. " _ Not _ like that." 

 

"Oh... no homo? Of course, of course. You're not a new divorcee looking for love, this isn't the fucking MTV-" Wade doesn't even know what he's talking about, he just knows he's worked up. 

 

"Wade, I just need a friend to help me out. A platonic date. Please." 

 

"Why me, of all people?"

 

"Believe it or not, I don't have many friends."

 

"I can believe it." 

 

"I know it's been a while since we last talked. I have to go soon, but I want to..you know. Reach out. Reconcile." 

 

"Because some rando from another dimension told you? I might as well start taking directions from Ryan Reynolds." Wade scoffs. 

 

"Can you just...think about it?"

 

"I'll have to ask Vanessa," Wade says snarkily. 

 

"Alright. Well... let me know." Peter smiles, somehow both shyly and sarcastically. That bitch always had the best of both worlds in his facial expressions.

 

“Maybe I will.” He ushers Peter out of his apartment. “Just gotta unblock your contact off my phone…” 

 

And right then, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, he sees sadness in Peter’s eyes. “I’m kidding,” Wade says. 

 

“Bye.” 

 

“Bye.” 

 

And he’s gone. 


	3. The Night (or Day?) We Met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and then I can tell myself  
>  what the hell I'm supposed to do"
> 
> Peter and Wade weren't always estranged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter (hence the italics).

_ It’s 9 p.m. when he meets Peter. It’s a horrible day, obviously, as Wade has to go around the city with his face, well, being the way it is. He’s collected the laundry for Blind Al again, and he’s walking through the city for a breather. The smell of cocaine really tends to cause insanity.  _

 

_ He goes through a dark alley, in which he sees a small duffle bag and a bunch of spiderwebs. He rolls his eyes. It’s probably the Spider-Man, and a superhero, after all the shit he’s been through lately, is the last thing he wants to see right now.  _

 

_ He continues to walk and is course not prepared for the large TV that falls on him, pinning his arm under it. Bummer. He doesn’t know how the laws of physics managed to achieve  _ that. 

 

_ “Hey! Are you okay?” he hears someone ask. “Ugh. That’s gotta hurt.”  _

 

_ “Yeah. I’m fine, just feel like I got caught in the middle of a fucking Black Friday riot.” He takes a pocket-knife out of his hand and cuts off the part of his arm.  _

 

_ The TV is soon lifted off of his arm and in front of him, of course, is the Spider-Man. Fuck.  _

 

_ “Hello, Spider-Man,” he says, with a roll of his eyes.  _

 

_ “HOLY SHIT!” Spiderman yells. “Your arm-” _

 

_ Wade smirks. Spiderman turns around, clutching his stomach.  _

 

_ “Are you really going to throw up?”  _

 

_ “Most victims I find don’t normally cut off their limbs!” _ __   
  


_ “Have you never seen 127 Hours?” Spiderman doesn’t answer, as part of his mask is off as he barfs into the trash can. “Honestly, I haven’t either. I thought that was the movie’s runtime.” He puts his arm stump behind his back. “Here, I can hide it for you. Please stop hurling.”  _

 

_ “Kid, I didn’t do a lot of medical school, well any. But you don’t look so good-” He turns around clutching his stomach. _

 

_ “Hate to break it to you, Spandex,” Wade says with a roll of his eyes, “but my face is like this naturally. I’m the mascot for Spirit Halloween.”  _

 

_ “Wasn’t talking about the face!” Spiderman yells.  _

 

_ “Hmm.” Wade looks around. “So where the fuck did the TV come from?” _

 

_ “Oh, sorry. I was fighting off some assholes and one threw a TV at me, and it ended up down here you know, for us broke-asses it’s kind of ungrateful,” Spiderman jokes.  _

 

_ “Yeah.” Wade says, and right then his severed arm begins to grow back. Spiderman’s eyes (is that what they’re called? The white things?) widen. _

 

_ “Uh, are you-are you a superhero? Or a mutant?” Spiderman asks nervously.  _

 

_ “A mutant? No. Someone who got choked-not in the way I would’ve liked-into getting these damn regenerative healing powers? Yeah.” Wade knows he probably should keep this stuff a secret, but maybe he wants someone to relate to.  _

 

_ Also, he doesn’t give two shits about his personal well being.  _

 

_ “Uh, I can probably get you a sandwich for free, you know, hero’s discount and all. For your trouble.”  _

 

_ Wade smiles. A free sandwich might just be the first good thing he’s had in a long time. _


	4. Talk Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i'll take my time  
> i'm not the forward thinker" 
> 
> Peter struggles with answering Wade's absurd questions all while worrying over MJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Peter is once again sitting in front of the TV again when Wade texts him. It’s a duck text tone, one he made off of a dumb joke a long time ago. Stupid, Peter thinks. But still, it always made him smile.

 

The text just says “ _ Meet me at Starbucks in thirty minutes” _ , followed by a bunch of emojis Wade no doubt put to annoy Peter. He sighs. Why did he even ask  _ Wade Wilson _ of all people? Is it the fact that he has no other friends, as M.J. was his best friend for the longest time? Or is it that he secretly misses Wade?

 

Maybe both. Estranged as they may be, he can’t deny the fact that they were best friends. He gets up off the couch, walking over to his closet. On the first day back from the other dimension, he did a  _ lot _ of laundry, enough to last him for a long time. He’s thankful for that, thankful for  _ Miles _ , because if it wasn’t for him he wouldn’t have done that. 

 

He misses Miles every day. That kid would give him killer advice if he were here, advice on how to deal with all of this.

 

After halfheartedly getting ready to go to the coffee shop, he looks himself in the mirror and sighs. This was  _ not  _ how he has always imagined his life would end up. 

 

He has always thought that he and M.J. would still be married, that he would stay fit forever, that he would be best friends with all of the Avengers. Of course, none of that has happened. 

 

He sees Wade through the window. He’s hard to miss appearance and behavior-wise, so it doesn’t take him long to find Wade, who is currently downing three cups of coffee. 

 

“Don’t you think that’s a bit much…”

 

“Shut up, I played Detective Pikachu.” Peter doesn’t know what this means and decides not to ask. “Anyway, Pete, I had some questions about this whole Gala thing.”

 

“Sure.” Peter understands, well,  _ somewhat _ . A Gala should be pretty self explanatory. 

 

“First off, is it formal wear?” Peter can’t tell if he’s kidding.

 

“Um. Yes.”    
  


“Well, no one can be a superhero like you and have events in their name, Petey.” 

 

“You’re making this way more difficult than you need to.”    
  


“That’s pretty much a talent of mine,” Wade says. “What will you be wearing?”

 

“I always wear a tux over my suit.”

 

“That’s the tackiest fucking thing I’ve heard. In my entire life.” Wade rolls his eyes. 

 

“Why don’t you just come out as Spiderman?”

 

“I-I can’t.” Peter shakes his head. “Anyway, you need a suit.”

 

“Why can’t I go as Pool Man?”

 

“You can if you want to.” 

 

“I never knew you to be so flexible.” Wade smirks. “But can I ask this-why me?”

 

“I already told you. I don’t have any other friends, and you know...Mary Jane and stuff.” 

 

“Spiderman doesn’t have  _ any _ other friends?” Wade asks, lifting an eyebrow. 

 

“I have other friends. Just...not here.” It hurts to say, and he feels a bit angry. Why can’t Wade just leave it alone?

 

“So you’re basically scraping the bottom of the cum barrel.” Wade’s voice has spite in it, that annoying mix of spite and snark that he always has. 

 

“I never said that-If you don’t want to go, then just tell me.” Peter glares. “Also, what the hell is a cum-never mind. I don’t want to know.”    
  


“Woah, calm down, big boy. I never said I didn’t want to.” Wade leans up, throwing a cup of coffee behinds him. “Are you gonna pick me up, pay the bill, give me a kiss goodnight?”

 

“Shut up. Did Vanessa say this was fine?” He sees Wade flinch but decides to ignore it. If they’re having problems, it’s really not his business. 

 

“Yeah. You know her, she w-isn’t a tightass.” Wade sighs. “I guess I’ll go.”

 

“Did I answer your questions?”

 

“Not really. But I got shit to do.” Peter knows that 1 p.m. is Wade’s typical masturbation time, so he doesn’t object. Rather he do it at home than here (which, knowing him, isn’t that far out a thing for him to do). Besides, he said he’s going, and that’s all Peter needs to know. 

 

“Okay, bye.” 

  
  


 

 

It’s 7 o’clock when Mary Jane calls him, and Peter wants to cry. The only people he’s interacted with lately were a few criminals publicly urinating on a bike rack, and of course Wade Wilson, so it’s good to finally talk to someone with at least a little bit of sense. 

 

“Peter! Hi,” she says, and his heart warms. Her voice is so cheery and kind, it’s enough to help anyone on the worst day. 

 

“Hey, MJ.” He tries to keep himself from overdoing it, from having a meltdown, because even though they’re over, he’s so happy that she’s in his life at all. 

 

“Did you figure out the date thing?” She asks. “I can always try to find someone for you, I’m sure many, many people would  _ love _ to be arm in arm with Spiderman. Just let me know.” 

 

“I-Yeah. I did.” He begins to regret every decision he’s ever made in his life. “I...It’s someone I know, actually.” 

 

“Hmm? Who?”    
  


Peter sighs. “Um. Wade Wilson.” Mary Jane laughs. “I’m serious.”    
  


“W-Peter.” He can tell she’s confused. “I thought you guys weren’t talking anymore.” 

 

“We weren’t. But...I wanted to fix things. And I felt like I should seize the opportunity, you know?” He puts his hand over his eyes, wishing he would’ve done things better. “Look, I know he’s not the...ideal choice. But, you know, I think it could work.” 

 

“How? Aren’t you scared that he will kill someone there?”

 

“It’s a leap of faith.” 

 

“Nice try, that only applies to motivational posters you find in Target.” Peter begins to laugh, and he hears Mary Jane laugh too. “Look, I don’t know about this. But I support you in all of it. But  _ please, please _ make sure he doesn’t kill anyone.”

 

“I’ll try.” He can’t make any promises. “How’s your day?”

 

“Good, I just got back from taking Dan home from soccer practice. It shouldn’t run so late, you know?” Dan. Dan, the probably excellent kid. Kid. Kids. Something Peter didn’t give her.

 

“I didn’t do any sports, you know that.” He tries to joke without breaking down, to pray to just let himself not be upset even if it’s  _ just this once _ . 

 

“Touche.” There’s a muffle on the other end. “I have to go eat dinner, Hank brought it. Call me later, Peter, Hope everything goes well with Wade.” 

 

“Bye.” He hangs up the phone with a sigh. He misses her, so so so fucking much. Pathetic, he knows. 

 

He goes to bed at 8:30. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter's still a mess over MJ, but he's trying. Somewhat.


	5. One Way Or Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "one way or another i'm gonna find ya  
>  i'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha" 
> 
> After an unexcused absence at the X-Force Headquarters, Wade returns with his own set of bragging rights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a seemingly short filler chapter, but it does come up later (also I really needed to update). Enjoy!
> 
> Also side note: I refer to Negasonic by both Negasonic and her real name, Ellie.

Negasonic greets him at the door that afternoon, and as per usual, she’s not happy to see him. “Where have you been all morning?”   
  


“Out.” 

 

“Out where?” 

 

“A big boys’ club. I don’t have to answer to you, you know that?” He attempts to push past her, but she blocks him. “What the fuck?”

 

“Colossus was gonna hold Russell’s training this morning. You didn’t show.”

 

“He never told me.”

 

Negasonic sighs. “Don’t you check your email?”

 

“No. Who the fuck checks their email anymore? Aren’t you like thirteen? What thirteen year old checks her email?”

 

“Whatever. I don’t even care.” She moves out of the way, and he walks in. Yukio is sitting at the table, and greets him with her usual kindness. He takes a seat next to her. 

 

“Where’s the kid?” He asks.

 

“Sleeping,” remarks Colossus walking in. “I decided to give him day to rest as you did not show up this morning.” 

 

“Sorry Tin Man, I had places to be.” 

 

“Where?”

 

“Just had lunch with an old friend.” 

 

“Which old friend?” asks Domino, walking into the room. “I didn’t think you had any.”    
  
  


“Well...spoiler alert, he wears red and blue spandex and goes by a dumb name.” 

 

“Peter Parker?” Domino asks.

 

“How the fuck did you guess that? Not even the most smartass detectives know!”

 

“A lucky guess.” She winks at him, and he rolls his eyes. He loves her, but her powers never fail to annoy him. “I’ve ran into him a few times, and I always got that vibe.” 

 

Wade chooses not to ask, and continues. “Anyway, not to brag, but...he’s asked me to be his date to that Gala coming up.” 

 

“Why you?” Negasonic says with a snort. 

 

“Be nice,” Yukio says anxiously, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand. “Wade, I’m very happy for you.” 

 

“Thank you Yukio,” he responds, narrowing his eyes at Ellie, who rolls her eyes. 

 

“I too am happy for you Wade.” Colossus nods at him. “I hope things work out well.” 

 

“Thank you. Finally getting some damn respect.”

 

“Not from me,” Domino and Ellie chorus. 

 

“Why do I even come here anymore?” asks Wade. 

 

“OOOH, we gotta help him get ready!” Yukio exclaims. “Ellie, please, can we help him?”

 

“Okay, fine.” Yukio cheers in response. 

 

Wade doesn’t know how to take this offer. Of course he’s been helped in the past before, Colossus continuously giving him more chances, Blind Al letting him move in, even Peter Parker has helped him a few times. But the casual offer makes his heart feel warm.  

 

“I trust Yukio more than I trust you or Domino. You guys are gonna put dog shit on my face or some tomfuckery.” He winks at Yukio, who smiles. 

 

“Maybe.” Domino shrugs. “You gonna wear the suit?”

 

“I mean, I would. But I wouldn’t mind being a little terminally ill trophy husband for once. Like a pastor’s wife.” Wade grins. This is a lot different than how he would’ve felt years ago, but the fucks he gives have definitely decreased over the years. 

 

After chatting for a bit more and putting Russell’s hand in warm water, he takes off, where Cable materializes. “Hey fuckface.” 

 

“What’s happening?”

 

“I’m a celebrity armpiece now, see you on People magazine.” He gives him the finger, and runs away before Walmart knockoff Josh Brolin can respond. 

 

His phone vibrates and he takes it out, seeing the text from Peter.  _ Hey, thanks again. I really appreciate it.  _

 

Wade smiles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my grandma doesn't find this


	6. Broken Hearts Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "where the lonely   
>  make the lonely feel less lonely"
> 
> In which Peter's marriage is becoming problematic and he decides to seek out the King of Problems himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So an extra note about MJ and Vanessa- I see a lot of fics where previous love interests are ignored or barely mentioned, which is completely okay, but in this story I want to make it very clear that Vanessa and MJ are very important. They shaped Peter and Wade's lives in many ways, and they will still continue to be part of, or remembered, in their lives.

_For Peter, Wade is a great refresher. Because when you’re a superhero, you spend a lot of time with superheroes. And as it turns out, they’re incredibly holier-than-thou._

 

_One thing about Wade: he doesn’t hold back. He won’t give you those half-hearted tight smiles, that faked reassurance that everything will be okay._

 

_He’s also aware that he’s a shithole, and doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not (unlike some other superheroes he has met in the past)._

 

_He knows that Spider-Man probably should find better company than Wade, but he doesn’t want to._

 

_So when he realizes his marriage problems, he finds himself wandering over to Wade’s “house”. It’s not his, it belongs to an old lady who Wade dubbed “Blind Al”, a cocaine addicted blind woman who mainly communicates in grunts and mutters. He brings her food every time he visits._

 

_“Did you bring cocaine this time?” she asks._

 

_“Not this time. My dealer is sick,” Peter responds. He holds out a bagel. “I brought you this though.”_

 

_She shakes her head and lets him through. Wade is in another room, lying on the floor, old Full House reruns on TV. “How much you wanna bet she’s gonna scam her kids into college?”_

 

_“Wade?” asks Peter, knocking on the door._

 

 _“Oh hey, Parker.” He laughs. “Park her, I don’t even_ know _her!”_

 

_Peter rolls his eyes. “I brought you a taco.”_

 

_“Thanks,” he yells. “Toss it to me.”_

 

_“You can’t get up?”_

 

_“No, fuck that.”_

 

_Peter laughs, and obliges. “How have you been?”_

 

 _“Still plotting some revenge, basking in a tiny bit of self hatred, been watching a bunch of reruns. I never knew how much of a shithead Zac Morris from_ Saved By The Bell _is.” He takes a bite of his taco. “What about you?”_

 

_“It-” Peter shakes his head. “I don’t want to burden you.”_

 

_“Please. I need a distraction. This show is so fucking cheesy.”_

 

_“MJ and I…” Peter trails off. “You know that thing where things have been a way for such a long time that you never even thought to question it?”_

 

_“You mean like getting a boner from watching Looney Toons?” Wade snorts._

 

 _“Shut up, man.” Peter says with a small chuckle. “When MJ and I first got together, it was like the best thing ever you know? And after all we had been through it seemed appropriate to get married.” Wade is quiet for once. “I never even_ thought _about the things that come with marriage. And I have a feeling things are gonna end bad…”_

 

 _“They might. Or they may not. But you never know unless you have it out with her._ Not _sexually this time. Just talk to her.”_

 

_“You’re probably right, as always.” Peter takes Wade’s hand. “Thank you man.”_

 

 _“Uh, no problem, Arachn-ass.” Wade doesn’t meet his eyes. “You wanna watch some TV, take your mind off of the shitstorm scam that is the concept of marriage?”_   


 

_“Of course.”_

 

_What Peter doesn’t know-that’s the first time anyone has touched Wade since the incident._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist the Lori Loughlin jokes I'm so sorry-


	7. Cheap Thrills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "baby i don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight  
> i love cheap thrills!" 
> 
> The night of the long-awaited Gala is here, but with Peter and Wade's luck, things are bound to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than normal (at least in my opinion). I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> This is of course dedicated to my wonderful friends @kinetics and @thejollymilano!! Thank you both for being so encouraging!

He digs around in his closet, looking for something mildly acceptable to wear. He doesn’t go to a lot of fancy events, of course. There’s no reason to. Well, for the most part. 

 

There is a suit tucked away at the back of the closet that he was reserving for, well, in case..in case he and Ness got to walk down the aisle. 

 

He kept it all this time, not that things have exactly worked out that way. He picks it up. It’s a bit wrinkled, but he doesn’t have enough time to fix it up. “Are you picking that one?” he hears Yukio ask behind him.

 

“Uh…” he nods. “Yeah.” It feels like a betrayal, but somehow it also feels like he’s closer to her. Besides, he doesn’t have anything else. He already asked everyone else, but the only thing close enough to formal wear was what Dopinder wore to his family’s Diwali celebration. Unlike Black Tom, Wade doesn’t appropriate different cultures. 

 

He can hear Russell screaming while playing a Nintendo switch in the living room, and Colossus fixes himself some tea. Yukio and the others are in the room with Wade. 

 

“Go put it on, then. I don’t have all day,” Ellie says, with a roll of her eyes. He puts his tongue out at her. 

 

_“These are the main photos. I had my aunt take them,” Peter says, putting the photobook next to Wade. “We took these outside. I remember my face felt like it was gonna freeze up.” Peter definitely looks handsome in the wedding photos, and MJ looks beautiful. They’re like fuckin...Brangelina or some shit. Both hot._

 

_“It would probably look better that way,” Wade says with a laugh. Peter rolls his eyes._

 

_“Yeah, yeah.” He smiles at Wade. “Stuff was really simple then.” Wade likes Peter’s smile. It’s genuine, it’s what’s been keeping him company. Peter. The only good thing that gets him out of bed in the morning. His heart flutters for a millisecond-_

 

“Wade!” Domino snaps. “You need to get ready.”   


 

“Sorry, I started thinking about Betty White.” He goes into the bathroom to change. 

  


Dopinder drives Wade to Peter’s apartment that day. “You look nice, Mr. Pool,” he says. 

 

“Thank you,” he replies. 

 

“I think Spider-Man will appreciate this, sir.” He slams on the brake at the red light. “I have begun a journey of self reflection sir. And I have decided I do not want to be a killer anymore.” 

 

“Oh thank God.”

 

“I would like to become an exotic dancer.”   


 

“Fuck.” He turns around to face him. “Why do you want to become a stripper?” 

 

“I’m flexible, and I have been told I’m light. Perfect for lap dancing.” 

 

Wade sighs. “You know what, my beautiful brown friend? If you want to be a stripper, then be a stripper. I’d be honored to have you on my lap.” 

 

The taxi skids to a stop once they reach Peter’s apartment complex. “Thanks,” Wade says, getting out of the car.

 

“Next time you see me, I will be on the pole.”

 

“No doubt about it.” He runs upstairs, holding his fist to the door. He sighs for a minute, pulling a store bought Spiderman mask out of his pocket. He has been so so close to going without it, but he doesn’t want to embarrass Peter.  Peter stands there, the real Spiderman mask on, a full tux. 

 

“Wade you look…” 

 

“I know.” He grins. “I’m wearing something other than trash for once.” 

 

Peter steps out. “You ready? I typically get a limo. We have to walk some ways first though, just so people don’t know where I live.” 

 

When they get inside the limo, Wade just about shits his pants. He’s always dreamed of being in a limo, and sometimes when they drive by he asks Ellie if she thinks it’s the Jonas Brothers. Peter, on the other hand, looks bored. 

 

“You never seemed like the type to be super unphased by a limo.” 

 

Peter doesn’t look at him, only continues to stare out the window. “I’m not trying to live like a king. Maybe when I was younger I would’ve been more into it, but it reminds me of stuff that happened with people I loved. Painful stuff.” Wade knows what he’s talking about. Though Peter doesn’t mention what happened with his former mentor a lot, he’s connected the dots by now. 

 

Wade tugs at the mask. He really wishes he had the courage to go without it, and typically he would, but with Peter it’s different. It always is. 

 

Soon, they reach the building, and Peter holds out his arm. “You have to take it.” 

 

Wade takes his arm. “Fine, but if I get goody two shoes germs, you were warned.” His comebacks are lame these days. They step out, and the photographers rush over to them. 

 

“Spiderman, who is your date?” or “Spiderman, whose tux are you wearing?” or “Spiderman is GAY?”

 

Wade wants to open his mouth, snark at them, and for a few moments he does, but Peter tugs on his arm. “They aren’t worth it. I promise.” 

 

The decor inside is beautiful, covered in white and gold. “This looks like the back of a fucking catalog for rich people.”

 

Peter nods. “It’s...pretty nice.”  


 

“THEY HAVE MINI FUCKING SANDWICHES?” Wade runs over to a table and grabs one. “This is amazing.” 

 

Soon, the music stops playing and they have to go to their seats. Peter and Wade run to their seats.

 

“Ladies and gentleman…” the speaker says, an older man, “Please welcome our Spiderman…” 

 

He pauses for a brief second.

 

“Peter Parker.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Peter B Parker isn't part of the MCU but I did want to add a tribute to Tony because I miss him so much.


	8. In the Middle of It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and in the middle of it all  
> I saw you there"
> 
> After getting his identity revealed, Peter feels like his life is over. However, Wade's quick mouth may get them out of this, but lead to even more trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long!! I've suffered such writer's block, unfortunately. Hope you enjoy this chapter! Angst is coming soon :)

Peter can’t breathe. He literally can’t fucking breathe. He’d spent  _ twenty two years  _ keeping his identity a secret. And now it’s over. 

 

Having your identity revealed doesn’t bode well for any superhero, and he knows that. Wade looks at him. He can’t see what face he’s making under the mask. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. He feels like he can’t move-

 

Wade gets up out of his seat, going up to the stage. “Hi,” he says.

 

What the fuck is he doing-

 

“Sorry, I guess you can’t hear me with this mask on.” Wade rips the mask off, and the room gasps. “So anyway, in the kindest way possible, your information is  _ bullshit _ . I’m Spiderman.”

 

The cameras start flashing, and Peter glares. He has to end this, he can’t let Wade do this. But his feet are glued to the floor. 

 

“Can I see your remote thing?” Wade asks the man, who gives it up. “Look at these pictures. You really think  _ this guy _ could be Spiderman? WIth that little cookie pouch?” 

 

Now that was just cruel. 

 

“We have  _ evidence _ of Peter Parker being Spiderman-”

 

Peter finally gets the courage to stand up. “That’s because I am-”

 

“The DECOY!” Wade exclaims. “You know how in  _ The Phantom Menace _ , Keira Knightley was Natalie Portman’s decoy? Of course you don’t, because that movie fucking sucks, but-” 

 

Peter glares. “I-”

 

“You’ve done a very good job, Petey, but I’m afraid our secret is out.” Wade slaps his forehead with his hand. “You’re fired now. Anyway, I guess the mystery is over. You all had to go and RUIN it. All I ask in return for me always saving the city is a little bit of privacy, but you guys had to go and dig up information.” 

 

“Where’s your proof?”

 

“How’s this for proof?” Wade asks, and holds out his hand, web slinger on his arm. Peter is shocked. How did he get one of those? He deploys it, and it flies at the nearby ice statue. Wade tries to shake it off, causing the statue to crash to the ground. Peter snorts, covering his mouth.

 

This is a total clusterfuck of a mess, but it’s the most entertaining Gala he’s attended. 

 

“Anyway, I have to cut the evening short, my lads. My ride is here. So is Peter’s. I have to take him home, make sure he’s fine after being fired. Goodbye. If you need to look for me, my name is Logan Reynolds.” Wade grabs Peter’s arm, running to the car outside. They crash into the backseat, where the driver startles. 

 

“Hi. Sorry for my attire, I had to leave work.” Peter hasn’t seen Dopinder in a while, but he’s definitely changed. He’s in his underwear, a tie, and dollar bills are shoved all in them. Peter, a broke man, is tempted to reach and grab one, but he controls himself. For now. 

 

“It’s only been an hour after you  _ decided _ you wanted to be a stripper, Dope!” Wade laughs. “You’ve got some fucking game, my boy. What’s your secret? Stalking on Linked-In?” 

 

“I just have that devilish boyish charm.” Dopinder shrugs with a smile. “So where to, Mr. Pool?”

 

“The X-Men house, please.” 

 

“Do you think we will see Domino, sir? She is very pretty. Gita has just dumped me after finding out about my murder record.” 

 

“I’m sure we will, Dopinder. And if she’s as lucky as she says she is, your tongue will be down her throat in no time.”

 

“Woah. Wait a second. The  _ X-Men house?”  _ Peter asks. “Why there?”

 

“So that they don’t try to find our apartments. And besides, they don’t go near the X-Men house, baby boy.” 

 

“Am I a baby boy too, sir?”

 

“Yes, Dopinder. Most certainly.” The car skids into the driveway near the mansion, and Peter is relieved. He can’t look at Dopinder’s stripper getup a minute longer. Getting out of the car, he grabs a loose dollar bill on the floor.

 

“Jeez,” he says. “I should  _ not _ have eaten those frozen mozzy sticks earlier.” 

 

“They bring out the dad bod, bud.” Wade runs to the door, knocking aggressively. A girl with spiked black hair opens the door. Ellie. He’s met her a few times before, but he doesn’t remember too much.

 

“What do you want?” she asks.

 

“We would like a room please. One preferably with an awesome fucking minibar.” 

 

“They’re filled, loser. Why can’t you go to your own apartment?”

 

“We have a situation. Now, you’re telling me, there isn’t any room we can use?”

 

“Yes, there’s one, but it’s a single bed one next to my room. And I don’t want to hear you having sex.”

 

“We..we aren’t..I haven’t had sex in a while and I’m in no position-” Peter stutters. “We’re just friends.”

 

Wade rolls his eyes. “I’m on a vow of chastity right now anyway, NTW. Pretty please?’

 

“ _ Fine _ .” She opens the door, and Wade giggles, rushing inside. 

 

“How does Vanessa feel about this vow of chastity?” asks Peter.

 

“V-” Ellie turns around, and after seeing a weird look from Wade stops herself. Peter is anxious. Why does everyone act so weird about this? “Vanessa, I’m sure, is cool with it. She’s always cool with things.” 

 

“You’re right,” Peter replies. 

 

“Yeah, Vanessa isn’t a tight ass,” Wade murmurs with a small smile. Ellie opens the door to the room.

“Penis here can take the bed. I’m more comfortable on the floor anyway. It provides more of an opportunity for Colossus to step on me.” 

 

Ellie rolls her eyes, and closes the door. 

 

“WOAH!” Peter says. “You just going commando there?” Wade has taken off his clothes, and is donning yellow and black X-men pajamas.

 

“Yeah. C’mon Peter, this doesn’t spread gay germs or anything. Just change. Pajamas are in the drawers.” Peter shrugs. 

 

“Okay.” He changes, quickly, getting in the bed. “Uh. A lot has happened today. So I’m gonna head to bed.”   
  


“Me too,” Wade says. 

 

“By the way...thanks for having my back back there. You’re..a good friend.” 

 

“Finally, you realize.” 

 

Peter pulls the covers up to his chest, and he smiles. Wade is a pain sometimes. 

 

But damn, can he surprise him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know jack shit about the X-Men outside of Deadpool, I'm sorry :(


	9. Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rant to me I like the sound,   
> I like your voice, I like your mouth"
> 
> Having a crush on your best friend isn't easy, especially when your face looks like a burnt waffle and you kill people for a living. Also when said friend is a beloved superhero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of rushed but I wanted to do another flashback before even more angst happens so enjoy!

_ Wade is in no, absolutely  _ no _ position to admit his crush on Peter Parker. Because first of all, he still likes Vanessa. Two crushes. Shit.  _

__

_ Second, Peter is probably straight (of course he is. How could he not be, with a name like Peter?) and is dealing with marriage problems.  _

 

_ He doesn’t know when it started. Maybe he’s always had a thing for him since he met him. He’s tall, buff, and has pretty brown eyes. He’s funny, and reasonable, and though Wade hates to admit it, is the only one who can calm him down anymore. _

 

_ But Vanessa, Vanessa. He loves and misses her too. It’s all so complicated.  _

 

_ “Al. Al. I have a situation,” he says that morning. “I have a crush on two people, and I don’t know what to do.” _

 

_ “Have a threesome like a real man. Now shut up. My program is on.” She turns on the TV.  _

 

_ “I like both. But they’re both unattainable. Like Luke and Leia and Han. Except this isn’t a sibling situation, I’m pretty sure.”  _

 

_ “I’ve thought I’ve made it very clear. I don’t want to hear about it.” Al glares at the remote.  _

 

_ “Yes, but you’re the only one I can talk to about it right now.” Wade sighs. “One is my best friend, the other is my ex.”  _

 

_ “Damn.” Al shakes her head. “Can’t you find someone new?” _

 

_ “With this face? No.”  _

 

_ “I’m not even gonna give you the ‘looks don’t matter’ speech. Look, if you want closure on this, you need to at least tell your friend this.”  _

 

_ “Why the everloving fuck would I do that?” _

 

_ “So  _ now _ you have a problem talking?”  _

 

_ “He’s married.”  _

 

_ “That didn’t stop me.” She chuckles. “I never said it would work out. But it would stop eating at you if you were honest.” _

 

_ “Old damn wise woman.” He gets up. “Thank you.”  _ __   
  


_ He walks to his room, sighing. It’s hard. Hard liking people that will never like him back because of the things that he’s done, the way he looks. The familiar sound of the Good Luck Charlie theme song startles him, and picking up his phone, he hears Peter’s voice. _

 

_ “I have good news. MJ and I are going to go to marriage counseling. I really think we can work things out.”  _

 

_ “That’s great!” He sighs. He feels like a horrible friend. “I’m really happy for you.” _

 

_ “What’s wrong?” _

 

_ “What the hell do you mean, what’s wrong?” _

 

_ “No snarky remark to add, your voice seems down. Is everything okay?” _ _   
_ __   


_ “Uh. Yeah. Just watched the Lion King again.” _

 

_ “That’s a good movie.” _

 

_ “Yeah, I hope they don’t make a live action or anything.” He laughs. “I’ll talk to you later.” _

 

_ “B-” _

 

_ “Bye.” He hangs up the phone. Fuck. He’s such a fool for all this. Stupid, sweet, caring, heroic Peter. And he can’t even be happy for him. _

 

_ He turns the Lion King on the television for real this time, taking off his clothes and lying down on the bed. Might as well take a nap. _

 

_ At least he can look forward to that. _


End file.
